I Grew Up A Clone: Getting through life one changed perception at a time
Posted: Monday, November 21, 2011
by Jeff Brown
Inner Projection
Yes, like many of us, I was cloned by my parents to be fearful, doubting, full of anxiety and fear. Not unlike the other 70% who grow up in dysfunctional families, I was certainly full of dysfunction. What were my attributes? Here’s a short list: shy, introverted, anxious, depressed, angry, fearful, doubtful, addictive, hopeless, suicidal and so forth. What was the end result? I rarely talked to anyone, and certainly not to people I didn’t know or even to those I did.
Once I was asked by a teacher to take some quiz papers to another teacher. I got to the classroom and saw it full of students. I knew there was no way I was going to go in there and get dunked in a human car wash of gawking stares. What did I do? I went outside and put the papers under a bush by the door. Later I was interrogated by the two teachers. As they asked question after question I did what I normally did. I remained quiet, not saying a word.
The number one cause of death amongst the very young is suicide. It was something that I certainly contemplated, for I walked around, day after day, hour after hour, minute by minute feeling unimportant, unwanted, insignificant with a dark, debilitating cloud of depression hovering over me day in and day out. There were several occasions when I had written suicide notes, went to the top of some very, very tall structure, dangled my legs over the edge while contemplating ending it all.
But I didn’t.
Somewhere waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down inside was the desire to go on to survive. And I did. The first thing I knew was that I had to do that which was most fearful. Get up in front of people. So any time I was out in public and a volunteer was needed, I got up to do so. Then I decided that I would go into stand-up comedy. Yeah, that ought to kill me, I thought. Or, as they say, make me stronger. But I also knew that to do this I had to move away from the comfort of family and friends. I really had to do this all the way if it was going to make me better.
So I moved two-hundred miles away from a very small town in Connecticut to the Mecca of Comedy: Boston Massachusetts. It was there without any support of family, friend, or spouse—anyone--that I did it on my own. So I practiced and practiced. I practiced for hours and hours every day to do, yes, my five minutes of comedy. It’s funny because now I can talk for hours; hell, I’ve done up to five (just getting warmed up) without notes or prompt. But that first five minutes was a killer. How did it feel to go up there being so shy?
Well, consider this. Think of the worst scare you’ve ever had. Maybe you almost got killed in a car crash. Your first true love for life left you. Or your mom actually told you that she was now going to take out the trash and do your homework for you. If you don’t think that’s scary, consider how your imagination would have to get carried away to even come up with a possible explanation for that happening, never mind it actually happening. I rest my case. The point being that almost every hour of every day of the week before I had to perform, since I was so shy and so anxious, was THAT scary. I was shaking in my boots every time the thought of doing those five minutes came into my head. I had never been so scared for so long in my life. But I was determined to do it.
So the day came.
I had to wait, of course, for about fifteen acts before I got my five minutes. Five minutes! Big deal, right? Hell, you’ve been practicing hours a day for weeks, how could you forget five minutes of material with all that practice? Consider the following, if you’ve ever played sports, let’s say football, you’re in the game, things are going fine, you’re feeling great, competent. Hell! You’re the next Gail Sayers. When all of a sudden it happens. Boom! You get the wind knocked out. Not only can you not imagine playing, you’re wondering if you’re going to see the coming light of day. That’s how I felt getting up my first time. I was so scared, the fear swelled in my head, swelled up like a big knock in the solar plexus taking me down for the count. All I could do was get the first few lines out. Then I started talking to the audience and banging the microphone off my head. Genius!
After my five minutes (or was it four?) I went to the back of the room and crawled under the belly of an ant. When you’re feeling that low, believe me, there’s a LOT of space down there.
So what did I do after that most traumatic experience? I did it over, and over, and over again until I was not only doing five minutes, but twenty and thirty minutes, and then I started getting paid. The process was hell, but as I moved forward something amazing, something spectacular, something extraordinary began to happen. Through the process I began to heal, to convince myself of my own self-worth by proving to myself over and over again that I could do it.
Today?
Today, it is twenty years later, and I am an indomitable force. I not only want to speak for hours, but I want to take everyone else’s time too. I am so full of energy, vim, and vigor that I can’t be denied. It was a slow progression, however. As a public speaker (which I’ve done for the last ten years), I began reading from a paper to an outline or cards now to very little at all. I may have a general outline that I may refer to, but not often, or some quotes, but I speak mostly right off the cuff. Having spoken for so long, I’ve realized that one certainly has to prepare, but once the moment comes it is critical to rely on the intuitive, of which Einstein says is “everything.” And as I have done so, after my talks people have said to me, “Young man, YOU are GOOD!” and “That was great. No! Amazing!” It is amazing how far I have come.
We all have so much to give. And we all have a genius basked in skills, gifts, and desires that are unique to all of us. I know that part of our success in that regard hinges on turning our weaknesses into strengths, so that we can not only optimized who we are but discover who we are within all that potential, potential that if it goes unexplored is like food left on the table starving you and all the people you could have fed in the process. We must become who we were meant to be to not only find greater, greatest joy in our own lives, even, but to reach out to all those we can help to help them overcome their challenges.
Don’t be a clone. Find out who you need to be and be it. There is great trial and challenge within, but it is the stuff of greatness that is the end-result. If you feel insignificant, lacking in purpose and direction, hope even, it is only a temporary state, that which is there to push you forward. Don’t let it eat you up. Use it to greater, greatest power and empowerment, a springboard, if you will, to all that you can be.
Here’s to your success. Peace!
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Remarkable article. Good luck in your future projects Jeff.Thanks. Appreciate the read.
Thanks, Jeff, this is such an inspiring article. I know that fear you had, and I'm awestruck that you made your way through it in the way you did.Thanks Jennifer. It was a long road. But great to get to the end. It's a great place to live. Peace!
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